Ben's Birth Story

We did it! Ben is finally here with us in our arms. He is just so gorgeous, beautiful... a dream. In fact, the last few days all feel like a dream. This is the story of his birth. (and if parts of it sound a little funny it's because I am so sleep deprived as I write it. But I have to write it down today, on his fourth day of life, before I forget even more of the details!)

The days leading up to the birth I was overdue and really feeling desperate to have Ben here already. I agonized over his upcoming arrival- believing that I would never go into spontaneous labor and I was just going to have to be pregnant forever. I was a tired, pregnant mess. Thursday Feb. 21st I went to lunch with a friend, Diana, who was also pregnant with her due date only a week past mine. At lunch we commiserated about how our babies were never coming and what things people do to get their babies to come... like castor oil, and eating spicy food... which we had plenty of at the Thai restaurant we were at! Maybe that's what did it? Haha, probably not... but I ended up waking up in labor that same night.

Thursday night before bed I finally decided I was at peace with whatever was going to happen. I was going to stop trying to control it and just turn it over to whatever was meant to be. I was completely prepared and at peace with the idea for induction that coming Monday, when I would be 41 weeks and 2 days. I felt like that would be the best move because I wasn't comfortable with waiting all the way to 42 weeks to go into spontaneous labor. Induction at 41 weeks has higher success rates of vaginal birth than at 42 weeks. I absolutely wanted to avoid a c-section and I didn't want to see how huge and uncomfortable I would be past then either. So, I even started to feel excited about knowing that I was definitely going to be having my baby by Monday... and that even if it wasn't the kind of birth I had planned for, it would be awesome. And probably a lot easier because I would have been able to have pain meds!

So I went to bed that night feeling calm, happy, and excited. I had finally let go of all my fears.

In early labor

Friday morning at about 1:40 am, I woke up with cramps. They felt like contractions, and not like the practice kind. It definitely felt like the real deal. I couldn't believe it. I got out of bed and went to the bathroom and saw blood. "OH MY GOD! THIS MUST BE IT!" It seemed so fitting that, of course, the moment I stopped stressing is when my body felt like it was time to do the job. It makes sense that nature works like that- to not let me face labor when I wasn't emotionally ready for it.

Noel saw me stumbling out of the bathroom as I waddled to the other to get more toilet paper to clean up the mess that was coming out of me. I told him what I was feeling. I got back in bed and tried to relax and get more sleep because I knew that I needed my rest for what was ahead of me. But I could not sleep with what I was feeling. I got up and felt like I had to call my mom, who was also my midwife and staying in town only blocks away with my dad waiting for the birth. I called her and she agreed that I was indeed beginning my early labor. She offered to come over right away and check me and I told her to go ahead and come. But then it was about 4am and I called her back and told her to wait because I was feeling very tired and thought I could actually fall asleep if I tried. So she hung back at her place and I was able to sleep until about 6 am.

In the beginning... when we were still smiling

My parents arrived to my apartment about 8am. My dad walked Lina to school, and I was still in early labor and talking, laughing, smiling. "See ya later, big sister!" I said to Lina as she left out the door. I got checked and was 2 maybe 3 cm at that point... still early enough to try and get more rest. So I went back to bed, but was not able to get any real sleep because I couldn't sleep through my contractions. I just laid there trying to relax.

As the morning went on I progressed and my contractions intensified. I was starting to doubt whether I would be able to handle what was to come or not. I remember saying to Noel and my mom, "Is it too early to be asking for a pep talk?..." and "Oh my god, if this is what it feels like now at 3-4 cm, what is it going to feel like when I get to 6, 7....?" I did my best to stay calm and focused and cope with the pain. My mom told me to take it one contraction at a time, not to worry about what it will feel like later, just to be in the moment. And I got through each contraction, just thinking about being that much closer to my baby. The contractions would last a minute or so, and I would relish the moments when I wasn't having one and could feel at ease.

Oh man, this is really starting to hurt!

Soon, I wasn't able to lay in the bed anymore while I worked through contractions. I began trying all kinds of different positions. I sat on the birth ball, slow danced with Noel, took showers... I cant imagine giving labor and having to be stuck in a bed like in the hospital. Being able to move around and change positions saved me. If in the hospital, I definitely would have accepted pain meds early on because I would have been in a bed and when I was lying still in the bed it was harder to tolerate. Noel was there with me every moment, showing me nothing but love, encouragement and support. He was amazing. From the time I started labor early in the morning to the very end, I can hardly remember a single moment when he wasn't by my side. It was very special to work through my contractions with him supporting me... We exchanged lots of "I love you's" and I kept saying things like, "Oh my god, we are having a baby." The hours went on and everything became more real, more serious. I looked out the window and noticed the snow flurries as I slipped off more and more into "labor land."

My memory of the afternoon hours and beyond is much blurrier because of the haze of labor. But I remember moving forward, keeping my focus on Ben and taking it each contraction at a time. At about 3pm we called for my midwife Kelly to join us because I was in active labor at 6 cm.  I was coping fine with the pain at that point, and was feeling confident about moving forward. I was resting well between contractions. I was listening to soft music by candlelight to try and stay relaxed and keep my mind entertained.

At about 3:30 midwife Kelly arrived and things started to get serious. I continued in active labor for hours. I can hardly remember how I did it or what happened because I was so in the zone with the work my body was doing. The evening felt like it crept up on us quickly. It was odd how my sense of time was skewed during labor. It didn't feel like it could be night time already! But it was... and I moved into the most challenging part of my labor. Transition was really hard for me because Ben was in a funky position and it made things more uncomfortable for me with lots of back labor pains. I was really starting to tire out. When I reached 7cm I was doing lots of loud moaning, I was hot, I lost all modesty and went ahead and got butt naked. It's amazing how when you're in labor you could really care less that you are completely naked in front of people. I hardly noticed the people around me anyway. I was in my own world, dealing with the pain and it was like these bodies and voices were floating around me with encouragement- but I really felt like I was alone. I guess because only I could get through it on my own. I was the only one experiencing what I was feeling, and I was the only one that could get me through it.

Time passed and the pain became unbearable. I got checked again and Kelly said I was still 7cm. That is when I started to get upset and feeling like I was done. Because I had been working for over 2 hours at 7 cm and the pain was increasing and I was being told I hadn't gotten anywhere. I was saying things like, "This is crazy.... This is ridiculous!" Finally I said I didn't want to do it anymore. I was exhausted and done and in so much pain. I was ready to give up. I started saying I wanted to go to the hospital right away and get an epidural. I just wanted something to stop the pain immediately. The midwives and Noel discussed what my options were- and I was ready to be transported to the hospital. But then my midwife mom came in and said she wanted to check me herself, because it was Kelly that had checked me last and said I was at 7 cm still. My mom said she recognized my behavior and it was not the behavior of a woman that was 7cm, it seemed like I was closer. Also, she explained that going to the hospital, they would make me wait an hour or more to get through the hospital admission procedures before I could even get an epidural, and the idea of that and having to labor in an ambulance on the way there sounded horrible. Oh and- two of the 3 elevators on our side of the building were broken and we live on the 17th floor. So I let my mom check me, and she said that I was 9 cm.... I didn't know if I believed her or not at first. But it really did seem like it was too late to go anywhere. I had to finish the job right where I was- it's what I signed up for... it's the experience I wanted so deeply and mourned when I thought it was taken away from me earlier in pregnancy when a c-section seemed to be our fate.

So I accepted where I was and what I was feeling and recognized that the only way out was through. I settled into my bed where I was ready to bear down and make it happen. It's a good thing we didn't choose to go to the hospital, things ended up progressing quickly- thanks to my mom who knows very well how to actively help get the baby out. My water broke and I was pushing. I pushed for less than an hour. They said my labor was actually pretty quick for a first timer- I think it was 9 hours of active labor. I can't imagine how women go for way longer than that. I mean, they do it because they have to, but I feel sorry for them! But I was all business once I got to the pushing. I was not messing around.

Mom tried to tell me to go slowly for a more gentle birth, but my body was just in overdrive focused on getting him out. There was a student midwife there, Gustava, who was a huge help to me when I got to pushing. She was right there next to me and in the beginning when I first started pushing it felt like I didn't even really know how to push. There was something she did, it's like she showed me how to do it- how to deeply push with the right amount of force. Her being there made a huge difference.

Every muscle in my body, every particle of my being was working as hard as possible to finish my labor. I was determined to be done as quickly as possible. They held a mirror up and told me to look in it so I could watch the baby come out. They kept suggesting I look down to see... but I was too scared to look. I am a squeamish person, and I knew that what I was doing was working. I was afraid that if I looked I would be distracted or freaked out and it would slow things down. I just looked at Noel. I wish we would have video taped the birth so that I could see now how everything went. I was surprised how it wasn't that painful when he came out. I was so afraid of the "ring of fire" and feeling the pain of the stretching or tearing as I pushed a watermelon out of me. But I didn't feel that pain that I thought I would. Maybe I was just that focused on him. It was the contractions and active labor that were the hardest part of it all.

Anyway, the baby made his descent and Noel was supposed to catch him, but he was up by my head and I wouldn't let go of him. I needed him. My mom caught him, quickly unwrapped the cord from his neck, and handed him to Noel before putting him on my chest. That moment was unreal. The moment when I saw my baby for the first time. It felt so sudden. I wish I could relive that moment again... He entered the world and was immediately alert and crying. When they put him on my chest all I could see focus on were his eyes... they were WIDE open, so big. He was so beautiful. I dont really remember much else, I was so tired after birth. I think I just kept saying, "My baby, my baby...." I was so happy to have him with us finally and I was so relieved to be over the hurdle of labor.

Benjamin Robert Hartley was born at 9:52 PM on Feb. 22, 2013.

Right after the birth was tough... I had to get a ton of stitches. I was torn in several places. That's what happens when you push your baby out fast... and when you eat a lot of cupcakes during pregnancy and grow a 9 lb. baby. They cleaned me up, and I was so exhausted I needed a lot of help moving around. Finally everything was all cleaned up and we went to sleep. I had done it. I had my natural home birth... and it was definitely one of the hardest, most physically challenging things I had ever done in my life. But I'm so glad I did it. I am happy to know my strength... The day after I was saying I wouldn't wish it on anyone, natural childbirth. I was talking like I never ever wanted to do it again, and that if I did do it again I would definitely want an epidural. But it was just such a huge thing that I went through... I think it was too soon to say how I really felt. I needed more time to process what happened, to let my emotions level out and put it all in perspective. There is no doubt that Ben's birth was extra special and that we had a much more intimate family experience being at home. Now I feel like the birth itself, even though it was hard and painful, was worth the sacrifice. That was just one day of pain, but it also came with intense joy. I feel like my first few weeks post partum were more challenging than the birth itself. In labor, my body took over and knew what to do, and having a newborn I had so much to learn about being a mother. I had a lot of challenges to overcome in the weeks following his birth.

We are doing great now and it seems like things are settling into a groove more. Ben is a great baby and I am so full of love for him. I look at him and think- "OMG I made that!" and I can't believe how perfect he is. It is such a relief to have him here with us and to know all of that worrying I did about what I ate and things I did during pregnancy was for nothing. This baby boy is strong and sturdy.  I am so excited to have started this journey. I know that it's going to be a fantastic one and I will do everything I can to make sure he has a great life. He will be a happy kid and grow up to be a strong, educated, peaceful, successful and genuine human being. I know there are great things in store this little man! It's going to be so great to watch him grow and to grow with him.

I can't believe I'm a mom! Whoa!

1 day old

Oh, This Child of Mine

My baby boy. He sure has given me one heck of a time in this pregnancy- keeping me guessing up until the very end. Today we're at 40 weeks and 5 days, so I'll be 41 weeks on Saturday. Being overdue.... well, it blows! The waiting, oh the waiting. And I feel so surprised to still be waiting because I have been dilated and effaced/softened with him in a great position for weeks now. So why won't he just come out? Yesterday we had a sonogram to make sure he is still well and safe in there, and luckily he is doing just fine, and I am too... aside from my emotions. Physically, I am ok... I feel like I can handle being pregnant for a little bit longer. But not too much longer!

The sonogram revealed his position is posterior, or "sunny side up"- with his back to my back- like this:

It's not really a huge problem- babies can still be born posterior, it just sometimes means longer pregnancy, longer labor, more likely to tear, more likely to need vaccum or forceps or cesarean. He can still try and wiggle himself into a more favorable position, and the odds are in favor of that- about 87% of them are able to turn. He does have the cord around his neck once, maybe that's keeping him from wanting to turn, who knows. Anyway- we are going to give him some more time to come on his own, but if he doesn't come by Monday I'm probably going to the hospital to get induced. We have the induction scheduled for 8 am Monday. Research shows that inductions done at 41 weeks have more successful rates of vaginal birth than inductions done at 42 weeks. But I don't know, we'll see what happens this weekend. I still have more time to think about it, and as long as he is still ok in there that's what matters.

I have had some desperate moments.... just wanting him to come. Tired of waiting. Tired of pregnant. Tired of people asking me "How far along are you?" Worried he will come too late and my parents might be gone. I've stressed out too much about it, I know. But it's hard not to. It's such a big thing! I've been taking special herbs, and using primrose oil, eating all those spicy foods and pineapple, and doing all those things that are recommended as natural ways to induce labor. None of them have done a damn thing. Last night I started thinking I should just drink some castor oil as my last resort. I thought maybe it would be more favorable to drink castor oil as opposed to going to the hospital for a medical induction. But I was talked out of it. Once you drink it you can't go back and get it out... you shit your brains out, it can dehydrate you and put your baby under stress and you wouldnt even know it because you aren't able to monitor how he's doing at home. It's better not to go that way. I dont want to take the risk. I guess I can try doing some exercises to get him into a better position, and also... first timers are normally late.... everything is fine. Just so ready.

Poor Lina- yesterday she asked me, like she has almost everyday for the last 2 months, "Was Ben born yet?!?" And yesterday I was just so emotional about the fact he still wasn't here and my just scheduled induction.... I snapped at her, "Don't ever ask me that ever again. When he is born you will know it." And she said, "But how will I know?" and I said sharply, "Well I won't have a huge bump on my belly and you'll see a baby!" I was just so tired of it all ya know. Still, she's just a kid, maybe she really doesn't get it and I shouldn't have responded like that. I apologized to her. Things will be better for us all when he comes.

We are so ready for you Ben! Pleaaaaaase be born soon!

40 weeks + 1 day

40 week picture.
Wow I am so white!

 Yesterday was my due date. Waking up, it felt like an achievement to have made it all the way to 40 weeks. My Facebook status yesterday morning:

It's here! February 16, 2013. Ben's DUE DATE! and the day thats been marked as "HOLY SH*T!" in my calendar for all these months. When will he come? Today? or will today just pass with no baby? Am I just jinxing myself by wishing for it so badly?

Well the day passed. And that's ok. I was feeling a little guilty that my parents came so early before my due date and nothing ended up happening and now I am overdue. But I have no control over this obviously. And mom said that waiting here is a lot better than them waiting so far away all the way down in Texas. I also was feeling a little disenchanted upon my due date's arrival yesterday morning because I felt like I knew nothing would be happening... maybe for many more days.

I had some weepy moments in the last days when I was just feeling so uncomfortable. When I couldn't get up off the couch without help, or when I take a step sideways or try to put a pillow between my legs while laying down and I had this shooting pain in my pubic bone. I was just feeling done. Tired. Ready. I woke up one morning and said, "I don't care if I tear all the way through my asshole, I just want him to come now!" (a very different attitude from my fright I had about childbirth at 36 weeks). Noel and I gave Ben a talking to- "Come on, Ben. Mommy's ready for you. We are all so excited to meet you. If you are ready, you can come out now. Please!" yada yada.....

I was in much higher spirits yesterday morning after my breakfast at Silver Diner with Noel and Lina. In the words of my mom "It's amazing the power food has over me in pregnancy." This is why I have gained 50 pounds. EEK! I'm hoping I'll lose 25-30 of those pounds with the birth. Then I'm gonna have some work to do. Anyway... I treated myself to a 30 minute reflexology foot massage to celebrate my due date. So worth it! I got to the place and was telling the therapist to work his magic and make me go into labor- because reflexology is one of those things on list of how to naturally induce... he didn't speak hardly a lick of English and had no clue what I was talking about. I wasn't really expecting it to work, but the desk lady translated what I was trying to say anyway. In the end it was really fabulous. You know how you go to get a pedicure and what you really want out of it is the foot rub but it only lasts a few minutes? This really satisfied! My whole entire body felt amazing afterwards. Maybe there really is something to reflexology and all those pressure points in your feet. I got home feeling so good and relaxed and had an amazing nap. And I woke up in the late afternoon feeling amazing and was having constant Braxton Hicks contractions through the evening. I was like, "Whoa, the reflexology worked!" Especially after my dinner I was having constant contractions... and some of them felt even stronger and more intense than I've ever had. I was pretty sure it wasn't real labor or anything... but I just felt like I had to call mom and tell her! I was expecting her to say it was probably nothing- but she said it sounded like maybe my body was gearing up, that it could be happening soon- that night or any day. She encouraged me to rest and get some sleep, have a little wine, and just try to relax. I hung up feeling like, "OMG OMG OMG Holy shit, is this happening!" I got excited, but also nervous. When one contraction felt so big and tight and put lots of pressure on the "Exit door" I thought "OH NO! This is crazy! How is this watermelon baby gonna come out of there?! That's gonna hurt!" So I instantly took back what I said about not caring if baby rips me through my a-hole. I care. A lot. LoL.

I took a shower and felt much more relaxed after. And then I felt like the contractions had eased up. So I guess it all just could have been false labor... "Maybe Ben sensed that I got nervous" I told mom. To which she replied, "I don't think it works like that." So ok, I just wasn't in labor. "You're either in labor or your not" is what I'm told. So I wasn't. But I will be eventually. We are closer than we've ever been. I will do my best not to get so anxious. It will happen when it happens. He will be here soon enough. And I am just going to enjoy these last days before everything changes. I will cherish these last moments with my husband before we become parents together. I will treasure these last kicks and days of having Ben all to myself, not having to share him with anyone. Carrying him all this time I already can feel some of what is so special about being a mother. Even if it's gonna be tough, I'm looking forward to labor and bringing baby Ben into the world. See you soon Ben!

The two best winter pregnancy purchases I ever could have made-
This maternity coat and Ugg Boots. I have been able to wear them both everyday since October,
and they are lasting me all the way til the end! At 40 weeks, there's not too much room left to grow in the coat though! 

On Valentine's Day, Noel gave me the most beautiful gift- these earrings and necklace. He said it was more of a push present than a Vday gift. The stone is amethyst- Ben's birth stone! How sweet and thoughtful is that!? I love love love them! And purple is my favorite color!

All the girl scout cookies Lina sold! 

40 weeks with shirt down.
Does the belly look bigger with the shirt up or down?

The Last Blog Before Ben

From Monday Feb. 4th:

Yesterday I had some funny feelings that I hadn't felt before. I was brushing my teeth and when I stood up straight I felt some pressure, like something was moving down in my pelvis. It definitely grabbed my attention. Then it happened again a little while later, and I was like, "Whoa, cool! Something is happening!" I had no idea what it was, maybe it was just the baby dropping lower just like they say he is supposed to around now. I don't know. So I called my mom to tell her, just because I was so excited that I was feeling something new, even though I had no idea what it meant.

Mom wasn't supposed to come until Wednesday, and she kept saying to not do anything that might make me have the baby before she gets here. I'm like, "Ok, I'll try not to have the baby!" even though I am so ready for him to be here. Then later she calls me while I'm watching the movie Brave with Noel and Lina saying that she looked and can change her flight to come today. She wanted to know if that was ok with us, and of course it is! It's just 2 days early anyway.... but it will be nice to know that we are in the safe zone to have the baby and not have her be missed. I highly doubt I'll be having a baby before Wednesday anyway.... I said, "Watch, you'll come early and he won't be born until the end of February!" Haha.... but whatever.... you can never be sure with these kinds of things. And I said, "Well how does Dad feel about this?" her coming early and spending even more time apart from him. Dad said something like he would rather her come early than have to hear about how she missed her first grandbaby's birth for the rest of his life. Haha.

February 9th:

No baby yet! I'm 39 weeks today and feeling pretty good. I don't have the same crazy amount of energy I had a week ago when I felt like superwoman and was washing load after load of laundry, cooking dinner, and cleaning the house- all at the same time. But I'm feeling pretty good! With the due date a week from today- I can't stop wondering when the big day will be! Last week I said I was fine with being pregnant, that I wasn't in any hurry. Well that has changed! I can't stop asking everyone about how they felt when it started, if they knew it was coming. Mom's talking about contractions, I say, "I need those. How can I get some?" The only answer to that is... go to the hospital and get induced. But I know I don't want that. I just need to patient. I got checked on Tuesday and was 1cm and it looks like I'm getting a good start already. Perhaps it's more about when Ben is ready. Maybe he just needs a little more time. You don't take a cake out of the oven before it's done baking.

It's nice having mom right down the road from us, and Dad will be here soon too, on Tuesday! How lucky I am to be so loved by my parents that they are taking all this time out of their lives to be here for me and the arrival of my first baby. I feel so much love and support from all my family and friends who have been calling me to see how I'm holding up and sending sweet gifts. I am so grateful! I can't wait to make the big announcement!

Last weekend we went bowling at the army base nearby. I didn't bowl myself, I just watched Lina and Noel bowl. It was my first time ever on a military base. They are pretty neat! I had no idea they were like their own little cities- with stores, restaurants, post office, town hall.... It was so cute.

February 13th:

Tina Tuner, our minivan, is finally in the shop getting fixed! We got a sexy Nissan Murano SUV in her place... a Nissan Murano. Sorry Tina, we love you, but you just aren't that hot.

Haven't felt much like blogging this week. I kept writing little blurbs but didn't feel like I had enough energy to write anything good. I didnt even take my 39 week picture. I forgot. But it looks a lot like week 38, and will look a lot like week 40 so.... eh... At this point I'm just tired and ready to do this.

Dad got here yesterday evening, so now everything really is ready to go! We're just waiting.... so I'm going to plan to not blog again until I can come back here with the good news.

Thanks to everyone for reading and following me along my journey through pregnancy. It's been wonderful being able to share my experiences with you and I appreciate the love and support you have given me in return.

See ya on the other side!

Love!

I may have forgotten to take the belly shot this week, but I never fail to take a picture of a cat!
Liberty loves lounging in Ben's car seat.

The only picture of me during week 39...
Noel snagged it... but doesn't do much for the belly does it.

Noel surprised me with flowers this week :)
We had to ghetto rig a vase with a soda bottle and this fruit basket. The basket turned out
to be a great thing- saving the vase from being knocked over by the cats.
My cats chewed them all up within a few days :/ At least they weren't poisonous to them!

Not the End of the World

What a day I had yesterday! It felt like the worst day of my entire pregnancy. I was so emotional, like I thought it was the end of the world- all because I ran my brand new minivan into a pole in my parking garage. I just felt so stupid- because it was 100% preventable... and that morning we had a very light snow on the ground so I was concerned about driving but oh, driving was fine. I dropped Lina off at school, made it all the way to Target and back without any problems. Yes, it wasn't until I had safely made it home into my dry parking garage that I mess my car up. I blame my pregnancy brain. I just wasn't paying attention. I think I just have so much on my mind with baby coming, and since I was driving in a very familiar place, I was just kind of driving on robot mode. Then I had a rude awakening from it with the sounds of the side of my car crunching. Doh! It just feels so bad when you create problems for yourself by being careless, ya know?

So I cried like a maniac about it, of course. I am certain I would not have been crying about it much at all if I weren't the intensely emotional pregnant lady I have earned a reputation for. I called Noel during his class to tell him, I just couldn't wait til he was done. Then I called both my parents to cry about it some more. I know. It's just a car repair, it will get fixed, that's what insurance is for. But nothing was making me feel better- I just let myself be hysterical til I passed out for hours. I woke up still sad.... Finally by about 7pm I forgave myself for this accident. I know I shouldn't have been so hard on myself. I just felt so bad- because it's not just my car, it's my husband's car too- that we share. She was our perfect car. But these things happen. And here she is now... our poor car, who has now earned the name Tina Turner:

I believe this picture doesn't reveal how deep the dent really is.

Aside from my accident, things are great. Baby is kicking and wiggling a ton. Last night I thought to myself, "Oh my god- he is SO big... and he has to squeeze out through that little hole!?" EEK!" But I'm not crying or being as much of a scaredy cat about it as a few weeks ago. Just ready for him to come already. Wow, that was 2 weeks ago today that I had my meltdown about my fears of childbirth. Time FLIES! My due date will be here just 2 weeks from today! Amazing.

37 weeks

Today, 38 weeks.
I think I may look larger in person.
I think I even look larger in my 37 week picture above,
probably because of that dress I was wearing.

My belly button hasn't popped out. I'm wondering if it ever will. It's just looking really shallow. Sometimes I have felt like the kid is pushing out on it, and it feels so strange, like my belly will burst open because he's trying to bust out that way. Today he has been moving non-stop. Perhaps it's the country music we have been listening to. Maybe that's what is getting him going.

My prenatal checkup on Thursday was extremely uneventful. Everything is looking good! My midwife gave me a chart to help me keep track of his kicks. I've done it once. You're supposed to lay down and time how long it takes to get 10 movements. You need to have 10 in an hour. I don't really feel like filling it out when I know that he's way beyond 10. I feel like I can just tell he's doing fine. I always notice when he hasn't been as active and that's when I lay down to count.

I've started taking these "gentle birth" herbs that are supposed to help my body in getting ready for labor. I think they are working because I've been feeling more contractions everyday and Ben is looking a lot lower now. Last night I think I had a few contractions that woke me up. They weren't painful, I just felt my tummy tightening all on its own. D-day really is getting close! And all I want to do is stay home in my nest. I don't really feel like being out there in the world driving around... especially after what happened yesterday!


Last weekend we went to a Filipino festival out in Gaithersburg, Maryland. It was fun to be introduced to some of the culture and food. Fortunately, I liked most of what I ate! The best part was that Noel's language teacher dressed us all up in some traditional festive garb.

Awkward family photo... lol!
I am sure we have many more of these kinds of photos in store for us in our future.

Noel trying out the jumping/dancing stick thing... "Tininkling" they call it. The ladies on the ends opened and closed the sticks while he  had to jump in and out of them. 

The "cebuanas" dancing

Hanging out before things got started

Chillin' after enjoying some good catnip

Well I'll be keeping everyone updated! Pretty soon I will be retiring this baby belly blog... closing the book on the baby belly days! Woohoo!

Peace and Love to all!

D-Day Quickly Approaches

36 week picture

I'll be 37 weeks tomorrow. That's full-term. You know what that means? It's almost go-time! That means that if I went into labor tomorrow we could have our baby safely at home. It means that I have a fully grown and developed baby in this belly. What? Where did the time go? At this rate it feels like perhaps tomorrow I will be crying as he leaves for college.

Coolest refrigerator magnet ever

I'm ok with him taking his time to come out.  This week we had an ultrasound that confirmed he is in position, head down! Thank you God! They saw he had the cord around his neck once, but that's nothing too complicated to go forward with the home birth. The midwives checked me and said I've still got plenty of time for my mom to get here. She arrives on the 6th. My due date isn't until Feb. 16th. I won't at all be surprised if I go past that. Hopefully not too far past it though! That sounds like it might be very uncomfortable!

At my appointment with the midwives, getting checked out

They needed to draw my blood at this appointment.  I am not easy to draw blood from because my veins hide when I get scared of the needle. It took them 3 tries until they finally got it. This is my face on the third try.

My belly has exploded. Lookin' large. It seems like one night, I went to sleep and the next day I woke up and could suddenly feel feet under my ribs high up where I never felt them before. Now he keeps me up at night- I can't sleep because it feels like he is playing my ribs like a harp with his feet. It doesn't bother me too much though. I rather like it, and definitely prefer it to being concerned that I'm not feeling him move at all.

The Belly shot my mom captured today with her Skype camera.
Whoa, Ben is so big now! 

The weeks are sort of flying by. Although this last one was a bit rough. I had a super huge meltdown. About?.... the pains of natural childbirth. What got me going was that my care providers keep asking me at my checkups about whether or not I've be practicing relaxation and breathing, and other pain coping techniques. This whole time I kinda felt like, What do you mean? How am I supposed to practice? You can't practice contractions. I mean I knew there was stuff out there... but it seemed kind of bogus to be practicing- sure its easy to feel relaxed when I'm sitting in my chair in my living room feeling no pain at all.

But after this last appointment when I was asked again if I was practicing I decided to dive into the books and see what was out there. What I read did not help at all. It just freaked me out. I think I would have been better off not getting into any of it... I was feeling perfectly fine with the idea of going into labor with no expectations other than This is going to hurt and I can do this. But no... I had to go and read stuff and practice.

This one book told me to hold ice cubes in my hand while I practice the techniques. First you try the ice cubes without practicing any kind of technique just to gauge how you handle pain. Then you try the breathing and visualizing and all that later. Well the first time I had the cubes in my hand, I got uncomfortable and started holding my breath and getting stressed. It sort of felt like my hand was being burned with liquid nitrogen. I made Noel do it after me, and he made it look like it was so easy. He didn't make a noise, a face, or flinch at all. And so I felt really terrible like I didn't handle it well at all... and how was I going to handle childbirth if I couldn't even get through a minute of holding an ice cube without nearly hyperventilating? So... I had a panic attack about it. I felt like such a weenie for being such a scaredy cat, a cry baby. Noel consoled me and assured me I can do it.

When I finally calmed down, who did I call? My mother of course. She told me she had heard of the ice cube thing before and thought it was ridiculous because contractions feel nothing like ice cubes in your hand. (In my defense, I tried it again later and did much better staying calm and controlling my breathing) Mom also said how she knows I can do it because I've endured plenty of physically painful things- like the amoebas and parasites I had living in me while I was in Peace Corps. She also said many first time moms at 36 weeks feel scared and nervous, just like me. But it's ok, it's because I'm not quite ready yet, and by 38+ weeks I will feel ready. I won't be as scared about it. I just spend too much time right now worrying about stuff ya know. I've always been like that. Now I'm 37 weeks tomorrow, and feeling more ready than I was feeling last week that's for sure. Besides, I spend so much time worrying about labor and birth... but in the big picture that's just one day ya know.... Well... right now it just feels like the most important day of my life and like it's hanging over me... Delivery Day... D-Day...with no knowing of when! This feels like the craziest thing I've ever done. I can't believe there is a big ass baby inside of me! And he has big balls too! Wha? Ew! There are testicles in my belly! Am I the only woman that sounds weird to? The sonographer told us his are swollen- that there's fluid in them so we can expect them to be large when he is born but they'll go down after a while. Haha. I'm sure Ben will really appreciate reading this when he is older!

We finally got some snow this week! It brings a little cheer and excitement to this otherwise very grey winter. Lina's school was delayed two hours the morning that it snowed so Noel and I took her out to try out the sled I bought her for Christmas that we have been holding on to waiting to use. It was her first time ever to go sledding, and she's hooked! We got some great pictures too!

Kitties mesmerized by the snowfall

After her first time down the hill

Noel gives it a try and....

...his graceful landing at the bottom!

Anyway, I'll be keeping busy the next few weeks. I don't have the energy I used to but I tend to keep busy with friends and stuff. It sure beats sitting at home driving myself crazy about the unknowns of the future. I am just doing my best to chill out, not worry, and know that everything will be ok and that my body knows in itself how to do this, and that I will be surrounded with love and support and professionals who know how to help me get through it. Everything will be great... and in the end I imagine D-Day will be the best day of my whole life.

The creation of the Cat Mansion

Noel trying out his new Ergo baby carrier with his baby,  Mr. Jefferson

OMG! This baby is really coming!

35 weeks, after going to the gym

 Yesterday I had a moment where it really hit me what is soon to be happening... Oh my goodness. This baby is really coming. And soon! I started panicking a little. Oh my god, but we're not ready! I still have to get all the supplies for the homebirth. I still have lots of reading to do to prepare. I haven't washed his clothes and blankets yet. I haven't wiped down his changing table. And most of all... I don't know how to be a mom! 

I think the suddenly becoming a mother overnight is the scariest thing. But that's normal right? Most people get nervous about becoming a parent for the first time, I imagine. Of course, I'm still really excited and feeling more ready to get this show on the road everyday. And after my mini meltdown to Noel about it all, he drove me to Target and helped me get everything we need for the homebirth. We got all but a few things, and so I'm feeling better and more prepared now.

I hope the home birth works out. I have no idea what position this baby is in. Last week at my checkup with Dr. Tchabo, after feeling the baby he felt like he was breech again. But it wasn't so worrisome because we know he was able to flip before he can do it again. But then in the afternoon when I saw my midwives the midwives felt like he was head down. What the!?! "You've just got ya a flipper baby" the midwife said. I guess so! I can't tell what his position is... I just feel him moving all over the place. It'd be really nice if he would get head down and just stay there! At this point I'm prepared for whatever ends up happening. We have another ultrasound on the 23rd to check him out.

I can't believe that I've made it this far and still don't have any stretch marks on my belly. Everyone says that your mother is a good indicator of whether you'll get them or not. If she had them you most likely will too. Well, maybe mine will show up at the very end like some women. I will be shocked if I come out on the other side without them on my belly, when it's had to stretch out so much! I was looking at my belly in the mirror this morning. This boy is getting so big! It's going to be so awesome to hold my fat little baby in my arms. Lately when I get up in the night to go to the bathroom around 3 am, I can't go back to sleep because he is moving around so much. It takes me over an hour to fall back to sleep. I'm not complaining though, it's really nice to know he is so active. Maybe in a  few weeks it will feel harder to not complain, as he gets bigger and stronger. But for now it's still cool.

I spent my weekend reading up a lot on what I can do to prepare for labor. I'm not gonna' lie.... Even though I know I can totally do it naturally, I am afraid of the pain. But I read something really awesome and comforting in this one book, Birthing from Within. It talked about how when you experience high levels of pain, you have endorphins released, and that these endorphins kind of put you in a sleepy haze- helping make it possible for you to get through it. It made it sound like this haze blurs everything so you slip off into "Laborland" and are in your own world. And in the end you don't remember it as being bad... all you really remember above everything is the joy of having your baby. That sounds great and helped me not feel as scared. I'm still reading up on all the different things I can do to help with the pain though. Moving around, showers, relaxation, etc. A few weeks from now though I think I will be so ready to get this baby out though, that I may not care at all.... I will just be ready to do whatever I have to to get him here.

Anyway, there's the quick update for y'all. Tomorrow I'm off to a La Leche League meeting to learn some more about breastfeeding. Woooo! I'll be back next week with updates on what happens at my appointments. This is getting real!

With my BPFF (Best Pregnant Friend Forever), Kasey, today
at Silver Diner- our regular hangout spot. She's over 38 weeks and
expecting her baby, Will, any time now!

And now for my staple crazy cat lady pictures:

Spooning Cats!

Mr Jefferson hugging his Daddy

Who needs to buy fancy cat toys!?
Mr. TJ loves his paper bag tunnel I made for him!
Gave him a good hour of fun rolling around and running through it.