The days leading up to the birth I was overdue and really feeling desperate to have Ben here already. I agonized over his upcoming arrival- believing that I would never go into spontaneous labor and I was just going to have to be pregnant forever. I was a tired, pregnant mess. Thursday Feb. 21st I went to lunch with a friend, Diana, who was also pregnant with her due date only a week past mine. At lunch we commiserated about how our babies were never coming and what things people do to get their babies to come... like castor oil, and eating spicy food... which we had plenty of at the Thai restaurant we were at! Maybe that's what did it? Haha, probably not... but I ended up waking up in labor that same night.
Thursday night before bed I finally decided I was at peace with whatever was going to happen. I was going to stop trying to control it and just turn it over to whatever was meant to be. I was completely prepared and at peace with the idea for induction that coming Monday, when I would be 41 weeks and 2 days. I felt like that would be the best move because I wasn't comfortable with waiting all the way to 42 weeks to go into spontaneous labor. Induction at 41 weeks has higher success rates of vaginal birth than at 42 weeks. I absolutely wanted to avoid a c-section and I didn't want to see how huge and uncomfortable I would be past then either. So, I even started to feel excited about knowing that I was definitely going to be having my baby by Monday... and that even if it wasn't the kind of birth I had planned for, it would be awesome. And probably a lot easier because I would have been able to have pain meds!
So I went to bed that night feeling calm, happy, and excited. I had finally let go of all my fears.
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| In early labor |
Friday morning at about 1:40 am, I woke up with cramps. They felt like contractions, and not like the practice kind. It definitely felt like the real deal. I couldn't believe it. I got out of bed and went to the bathroom and saw blood. "OH MY GOD! THIS MUST BE IT!" It seemed so fitting that, of course, the moment I stopped stressing is when my body felt like it was time to do the job. It makes sense that nature works like that- to not let me face labor when I wasn't emotionally ready for it.
Noel saw me stumbling out of the bathroom as I waddled to the other to get more toilet paper to clean up the mess that was coming out of me. I told him what I was feeling. I got back in bed and tried to relax and get more sleep because I knew that I needed my rest for what was ahead of me. But I could not sleep with what I was feeling. I got up and felt like I had to call my mom, who was also my midwife and staying in town only blocks away with my dad waiting for the birth. I called her and she agreed that I was indeed beginning my early labor. She offered to come over right away and check me and I told her to go ahead and come. But then it was about 4am and I called her back and told her to wait because I was feeling very tired and thought I could actually fall asleep if I tried. So she hung back at her place and I was able to sleep until about 6 am.
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| In the beginning... when we were still smiling |
My parents arrived to my apartment about 8am. My dad walked Lina to school, and I was still in early labor and talking, laughing, smiling. "See ya later, big sister!" I said to Lina as she left out the door. I got checked and was 2 maybe 3 cm at that point... still early enough to try and get more rest. So I went back to bed, but was not able to get any real sleep because I couldn't sleep through my contractions. I just laid there trying to relax.
As the morning went on I progressed and my contractions intensified. I was starting to doubt whether I would be able to handle what was to come or not. I remember saying to Noel and my mom, "Is it too early to be asking for a pep talk?..." and "Oh my god, if this is what it feels like now at 3-4 cm, what is it going to feel like when I get to 6, 7....?" I did my best to stay calm and focused and cope with the pain. My mom told me to take it one contraction at a time, not to worry about what it will feel like later, just to be in the moment. And I got through each contraction, just thinking about being that much closer to my baby. The contractions would last a minute or so, and I would relish the moments when I wasn't having one and could feel at ease.
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| Oh man, this is really starting to hurt! |
Soon, I wasn't able to lay in the bed anymore while I worked through contractions. I began trying all kinds of different positions. I sat on the birth ball, slow danced with Noel, took showers... I cant imagine giving labor and having to be stuck in a bed like in the hospital. Being able to move around and change positions saved me. If in the hospital, I definitely would have accepted pain meds early on because I would have been in a bed and when I was lying still in the bed it was harder to tolerate. Noel was there with me every moment, showing me nothing but love, encouragement and support. He was amazing. From the time I started labor early in the morning to the very end, I can hardly remember a single moment when he wasn't by my side. It was very special to work through my contractions with him supporting me... We exchanged lots of "I love you's" and I kept saying things like, "Oh my god, we are having a baby." The hours went on and everything became more real, more serious. I looked out the window and noticed the snow flurries as I slipped off more and more into "labor land."
My memory of the afternoon hours and beyond is much blurrier because of the haze of labor. But I remember moving forward, keeping my focus on Ben and taking it each contraction at a time. At about 3pm we called for my midwife Kelly to join us because I was in active labor at 6 cm. I was coping fine with the pain at that point, and was feeling confident about moving forward. I was resting well between contractions. I was listening to soft music by candlelight to try and stay relaxed and keep my mind entertained.
At about 3:30 midwife Kelly arrived and things started to get serious. I continued in active labor for hours. I can hardly remember how I did it or what happened because I was so in the zone with the work my body was doing. The evening felt like it crept up on us quickly. It was odd how my sense of time was skewed during labor. It didn't feel like it could be night time already! But it was... and I moved into the most challenging part of my labor. Transition was really hard for me because Ben was in a funky position and it made things more uncomfortable for me with lots of back labor pains. I was really starting to tire out. When I reached 7cm I was doing lots of loud moaning, I was hot, I lost all modesty and went ahead and got butt naked. It's amazing how when you're in labor you could really care less that you are completely naked in front of people. I hardly noticed the people around me anyway. I was in my own world, dealing with the pain and it was like these bodies and voices were floating around me with encouragement- but I really felt like I was alone. I guess because only I could get through it on my own. I was the only one experiencing what I was feeling, and I was the only one that could get me through it.
Time passed and the pain became unbearable. I got checked again and Kelly said I was still 7cm. That is when I started to get upset and feeling like I was done. Because I had been working for over 2 hours at 7 cm and the pain was increasing and I was being told I hadn't gotten anywhere. I was saying things like, "This is crazy.... This is ridiculous!" Finally I said I didn't want to do it anymore. I was exhausted and done and in so much pain. I was ready to give up. I started saying I wanted to go to the hospital right away and get an epidural. I just wanted something to stop the pain immediately. The midwives and Noel discussed what my options were- and I was ready to be transported to the hospital. But then my midwife mom came in and said she wanted to check me herself, because it was Kelly that had checked me last and said I was at 7 cm still. My mom said she recognized my behavior and it was not the behavior of a woman that was 7cm, it seemed like I was closer. Also, she explained that going to the hospital, they would make me wait an hour or more to get through the hospital admission procedures before I could even get an epidural, and the idea of that and having to labor in an ambulance on the way there sounded horrible. Oh and- two of the 3 elevators on our side of the building were broken and we live on the 17th floor. So I let my mom check me, and she said that I was 9 cm.... I didn't know if I believed her or not at first. But it really did seem like it was too late to go anywhere. I had to finish the job right where I was- it's what I signed up for... it's the experience I wanted so deeply and mourned when I thought it was taken away from me earlier in pregnancy when a c-section seemed to be our fate.
So I accepted where I was and what I was feeling and recognized that the only way out was through. I settled into my bed where I was ready to bear down and make it happen. It's a good thing we didn't choose to go to the hospital, things ended up progressing quickly- thanks to my mom who knows very well how to actively help get the baby out. My water broke and I was pushing. I pushed for less than an hour. They said my labor was actually pretty quick for a first timer- I think it was 9 hours of active labor. I can't imagine how women go for way longer than that. I mean, they do it because they have to, but I feel sorry for them! But I was all business once I got to the pushing. I was not messing around.
Mom tried to tell me to go slowly for a more gentle birth, but my body was just in overdrive focused on getting him out. There was a student midwife there, Gustava, who was a huge help to me when I got to pushing. She was right there next to me and in the beginning when I first started pushing it felt like I didn't even really know how to push. There was something she did, it's like she showed me how to do it- how to deeply push with the right amount of force. Her being there made a huge difference.
Every muscle in my body, every particle of my being was working as hard as possible to finish my labor. I was determined to be done as quickly as possible. They held a mirror up and told me to look in it so I could watch the baby come out. They kept suggesting I look down to see... but I was too scared to look. I am a squeamish person, and I knew that what I was doing was working. I was afraid that if I looked I would be distracted or freaked out and it would slow things down. I just looked at Noel. I wish we would have video taped the birth so that I could see now how everything went. I was surprised how it wasn't that painful when he came out. I was so afraid of the "ring of fire" and feeling the pain of the stretching or tearing as I pushed a watermelon out of me. But I didn't feel that pain that I thought I would. Maybe I was just that focused on him. It was the contractions and active labor that were the hardest part of it all.
Anyway, the baby made his descent and Noel was supposed to catch him, but he was up by my head and I wouldn't let go of him. I needed him. My mom caught him, quickly unwrapped the cord from his neck, and handed him to Noel before putting him on my chest. That moment was unreal. The moment when I saw my baby for the first time. It felt so sudden. I wish I could relive that moment again... He entered the world and was immediately alert and crying. When they put him on my chest all I could see focus on were his eyes... they were WIDE open, so big. He was so beautiful. I dont really remember much else, I was so tired after birth. I think I just kept saying, "My baby, my baby...." I was so happy to have him with us finally and I was so relieved to be over the hurdle of labor.
Benjamin Robert Hartley was born at 9:52 PM on Feb. 22, 2013.
Right after the birth was tough... I had to get a ton of stitches. I was torn in several places. That's what happens when you push your baby out fast... and when you eat a lot of cupcakes during pregnancy and grow a 9 lb. baby. They cleaned me up, and I was so exhausted I needed a lot of help moving around. Finally everything was all cleaned up and we went to sleep. I had done it. I had my natural home birth... and it was definitely one of the hardest, most physically challenging things I had ever done in my life. But I'm so glad I did it. I am happy to know my strength... The day after I was saying I wouldn't wish it on anyone, natural childbirth. I was talking like I never ever wanted to do it again, and that if I did do it again I would definitely want an epidural. But it was just such a huge thing that I went through... I think it was too soon to say how I really felt. I needed more time to process what happened, to let my emotions level out and put it all in perspective. There is no doubt that Ben's birth was extra special and that we had a much more intimate family experience being at home. Now I feel like the birth itself, even though it was hard and painful, was worth the sacrifice. That was just one day of pain, but it also came with intense joy. I feel like my first few weeks post partum were more challenging than the birth itself. In labor, my body took over and knew what to do, and having a newborn I had so much to learn about being a mother. I had a lot of challenges to overcome in the weeks following his birth.
We are doing great now and it seems like things are settling into a groove more. Ben is a great baby and I am so full of love for him. I look at him and think- "OMG I made that!" and I can't believe how perfect he is. It is such a relief to have him here with us and to know all of that worrying I did about what I ate and things I did during pregnancy was for nothing. This baby boy is strong and sturdy. I am so excited to have started this journey. I know that it's going to be a fantastic one and I will do everything I can to make sure he has a great life. He will be a happy kid and grow up to be a strong, educated, peaceful, successful and genuine human being. I know there are great things in store this little man! It's going to be so great to watch him grow and to grow with him.
I can't believe I'm a mom! Whoa!
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| 1 day old |
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