Last Days in El Salvador

"There is a trick to the 'graceful exit.' It begins with the vision to recognize when a job, a life stage, or a relationship is over- and let it go.  It means leaving what is over without denying its validity or its past importance to our lives.  It involves a sense of future, a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving up, rather than out."                                                    - Ellen Goodman


Three days from now at this hour, I will be on a one-way flight out of El Salvador. Typing the previous sentence into my blog brings tears to my eyes. Ok, I'll admit, my hormones make it pretty easy for me to get teary these days. I recently cried because I wanted a fried chicken sandwich. But I assure you, these tears about leaving El Salvador are real.

Over two years ago, on July 21, 2010, I arrived to this country on a one way red-eye flight from Los Angeles with a group of about 30 other new Peace Corps trainees, not having a clue about what I was in for. Those of you who know me well, know that joining the Peace Corps and living and working abroad was a dream of mine. I think if I didn't go for it, I would have always felt a void, like I missed out. I needed to do it for myself. So getting myself here felt like a huge accomplishment in itself.  I could never regret my decision. Choosing this path has been such a blessing, one that has changed my life forever.

My Peace Corps service didn't exactly go as planned. I got out 8 months early after new security policies made it difficult for me to see my fiance. I would have liked to go all the way, maybe just for the sake of saying I did my full time, but for me, I felt like I had done what I had come here to do in the Peace Corps. My life already was taking new shape as Noel and I began planning our life together.

I am certainly leaving this country a very different person. I came here a single, unattached free-spirit ready to take on the challenges of Peace Corps life, go on adventures, wanting to make a difference and having no earthly idea of where I would go with my future. In a lot of ways I am still that adventurous girl. I still want to get out there and see the world and a make a difference. I am leaving here having learned and grown immensely, with a husband and a baby on the way and I know where I am going... where we are going. I have an idea of what my future is going to look like, and I will have an awesome troop of Hartleys to go on all these adventures with.

It feels so good to be where I am. Even though we are global nomads, I feel settled. As we build our family, my life feels full and happy. Home doesn't have to be a specific geographical location- it will be wherever my family is. Like my grandma told me, "You can eat, sleep, shit, and screw anywhere." I like that... kinda like life can be the same anywhere because you still to all the same kinds of things.

So yes, these tears are real. I feel attached to El Salvador because this place was so pivotal for me. I have gotten so much out of being here. This is where I fulfilled my Peace Corps dream, finally learned to be fluent in Spanish. This is where I made great life-long friends. It's where I met my love, where Noel and I began, had our first home together, and where he proposed to me and we started my family. Where I learned how to live abroad and among another culture. Where I began to see the world differently.

Despite the struggles I've faced here, I will always remember this country fondly. The challenges I have faced here have brought me to where I am now- to this feeling of peace, and to this graceful exit. Although I am ready to let go of El Salvador, I will always remember its importance in my life.

These are beautiful, happy tears.  Endings are almost always a little sad, even when there is something to look forward to on the other side.

Here are some pictures from our move!

Tired after Day 1, but still smiling!

Head 'em up, Move 'em out!

The movers trying to figure out how to put the boxes together

I got TONS of boxes for my birthday!

View inside the truck. The wooden crate is to be filled with our stuff and put on a boat to Manila.

Doing my job. Each box was numbered and listed on my board. I checked them off as the men loaded them on the truck to make sure each one was accounted for.

Tired of standing. Sitting on my throne.

The hubs & I

View of our complex, out to the street

Got my front row seat!

Happy husband, signing it all off!

Goodbye Stuff! See you in the Phillipines!

Goodbye to our first home!

Phew, it's all done! What to order for dinner?

BABY NEWS

Maybe it's the Peace Corps volunteer in me but I am extremely comfortable talking about bowel movements. The only reason I am sharing this on my blog is because I feel like it is important to take into consideration when you view the below picture of my "baby bump" from week 15.

If you look at the below picture from week 15, my "baby bump" looks quite large. Perhaps a little too large for week 15 of pregnancy. It could partially be because I am slouching a little... but the reason I put baby bump in quotation marks is because I'm pretty sure what you are seeing in this picture is not a real baby bump, but rather bloat.

How do I know? So sorry if this is TMI- but, well... how do I say this as tastefully as possible? I recently released A LOT of what was causing the bloat... and afterwards my "baby bump" deflated nearly by half. Whew! It feels good to be able to walk around not feeling ballooned up, like I have been the last few weeks. I bet I am at least 5 lbs. lighter. I'd like to go step on that doctor's scale now!

I am also relieved, because my belly was feeling so huge, I was imagining that by 40 weeks I would be the biggest Pregosaurus Rex there ever was! Now I feel like I look more like I should about now. I showed my belly to my mom on skype yesterday and she saw it too, saying I looked smaller than when I last showed it to her. How to make a pregnant woman happy: Tell her she looks small.

I was getting a little upset these last few weeks walking around and people I don't know taking a look at me and saying, "You must be due soon!" And I'd feel like Ummm, no! F you lady, I'm not even half way!!! LoL... Anyway, as deceptive as it is, here is the picture from week 15.

The next time I blog, I will be in my new city! See y'all there! :)

Paz y amor.

Feeling Like Me Again!

Hooray for the 2nd trimester! These days I feel great! I really feel like myself again. I've got loads more energy. Most days, I even manage to get in some good exercise and cook dinner!

I try to be active everyday for at least 30 minutes. Usually it's walking, but some days it's swimming laps! Yesterday I went swimming, and I thought I was such a slow poke because it's takes me twice as long to do the number of laps I used to do. I was thrilled when I found I was leaving the people in the lanes next to me in the dust. Maybe that's not the best measure, they could just be really really slow people. But it made me feel good, like I am so fast and I thought, Ha! AND I'm almost 4 months pregnant!

Some days I think my hunger and cravings subside a little. But then yesterday I felt like a hungry animal eating machine monster. I was feeling kinda bummed, and I couldn't even put my finger on why. Hormones. When I went out to run some errands, I felt hungry. I stopped at McD's for a Cajita Feliz (Happy Meal), no toy please- can't eat that! Then I drove by a Mister Donut, the best donut place in El Salvador, whose donuts I have been day dreaming about and craving for weeks.

After getting these guilty pleasures in my belly, I was suddenly a totally different person than before. I felt so happy. Guess that "Happy" Meal really lived up to it's name. So is it possible that I just needed a little bit of self indulgence to get rid of those blues? I was glad to be feeling better, but frightened by the power this food had over me. I guess it's ok, I just can't do it all the time.

Food seems to be the hardest thing about pregnancy these days. I really care about what I'm putting in my body and feeding my baby, but it's so hard to make good choices sometimes. When I go to the cafeteria for breakfast and see before me hard-boiled eggs and fruit and then pupusas... I almost always want the pupusas. At least right now my excuse is that it's my last weeks in El Salvador and I will never again be able to get pupusas like these. They don't taste the same in the states.

I went to the doctor after breakfast this morning for a bee sting I got 2 weeks ago that still itches. The doctor took my being there as an opportunity to catch up on my pregnancy med records. I was fine with this, I needed to do that with them anyway. And when she asked if I wanted to listen to the baby's heartbeat I was all about it. It's always so fun to hear! I even had the doc call Noel to see if he could come upstairs from his work for a sec to listen. He didn't get to be there to listen in person when I was in Texas, so it was nice to hear it together.  It was so easy to find now that Little Bubba's grown more.

I was leaving that office a very happy mama. Then the doctor shouted at me after I'd walk out the door, "Mrs. Hartley! I forgot to weigh you!"

I frowned. "Noooooo, I don't want to. I just ate a big breakfast!"

I reluctantly stepped on the scale with my eyes closed. I didn't want to see. It's much better to weigh yourself first thing in the morning before you eat, so you can know your true weight. I knew whatever the scale said would be scary and disappointing. And oh boy, was it. I couldn't believe it. "Noooooo. Noooo. That's not right," I kept saying.

Then I asked her to tell me what my weight was when I was there in April. I swear to god she wrote that down wrong. I think she wrote it down as me being 10 pounds lighter than I actually was. So now, it looks like I've gained an insane amount of weight since April. But believe, I know that I was not that light in April.

I now left the office baffled and sad, and regretting my pupusa breakfast, and my mister donut, and my cajita feliz from yesterday. Wanting to cry.  I have to be better.

I know, I know. I'm normal. You are supposed to gain weight when you are pregnant. But it's supposed to be slow and steady. I think I really am fine. If I weigh myself in the morning before eating, the number will be kinder, and more of what I expect. And in my defense, her scale was on the heavy side. As soon as I got home 20 minutes later I stepped on our scale and it said I was 2.5 pounds lighter than hers. That scale is a lying P.O.S. So there.

So! In other news, aside from obsessing over food and weight...

I've been having lots of dreams about airplanes lately. Particularly plane crashes. EEK! Scary! At least I'm not having those weird pregnancy dreams where I am being intimate with all kinds of really inappropriate people. But why airplanes?

The first one, I was on the plane when it was going down. This was the worst one. The kind where I woke Noel up to hug me it was so vivid and real and scary. The next dream, I witnessed a plane crash in Houston. The plane went down right before my eyes, and then my parents dropped me off at the airport to fly back to El Salvador and I didn't want to get on the plane. The third one wasn't really scary. It was Noel was flying a little plane with just the two of us all the way to the Phillipines, and I was afraid he would fall asleep and the plane would crash. Any interpretations of what these dreams mean are welcome.

I used to not be scared of flying at all. These days, I get fairly nervous about flying. I think it's because I watched this show with Noel that he really likes, about specific plane crashes and why they happened. Ever since seeing those shows I have gotten more nervous about flying. I hope I can get over this. I have a lifetime of flying ahead of me. I am more likely to die in a car accident or of cancer. So I just need to chill out. It'd be really great if I could stop having these dreams though.

I'm still going to bed very early almost every night. I barely make it to see 8:00 now. I just get sleepy. And then I wake up at 5:30am. It's not so bad though. I'm enjoying getting all these hours of sleep. I should enjoy it now while I still can, huh.

People tell me my belly has really grown lately. I can see it a little too! The fun part of pregnancy is here!

Here's last weeks picture!

14 Weeks!!!

13 Weeks and Growing!

Holy moly! Little Bubba is already over 3 months!? For real?

Well thank goodness, because I'm finally getting past the nausea and fatigue, and I'm loving that. I'm actually feeling pretty good these days! My belly continues to expand and I'm glad that it now it actually appears that I am pregnant and not just like I've been eating too much.

I just got back to El Salvador on Saturday, after spending 2 weeks with the family in Houston. It was nice being in Houston for a bit- even though it meant exercising less and eating more. I feel like I have the appetite of a teenage boy and being in Houston only encouraged it. I went to Chic-fil-A 3 times (sorry gay friends, I love their chicken), had pho, Mexican, and Thai... and always kept good ice cream in the freezer at the house. Blue Bell and Drumsticks! Now that I'm back from the vacay, I am ready to make an effort to make good choices and try to keep the weight gain down. I just don't want to get too huge, ya know.

I went shopping for my first maternity clothes with mom while I was home. We found some jeans that were a really good deal, so even though they were too big on me now, my mom encouraged me to get them. She said I'd be thanking her later, promising there will come a day when the others won't fit anymore and I will need them. I then started crying right there in the dressing room, sad that my ass would actually one day be big enough to fill those pants. Mom comforted me, and I took a deep breath toward accepting this. I'm just not built like those skinny girls that somehow magically stay thin and the only thing that grows on them in pregnancy is their belly. Temporarily having a big butt is totally worth having a baby! :) It's not forever, but being a mommy will be.

Noel and I are really looking forward to finding out the sex in a few weeks! We bought this silly gender  predictor test online just for fun. Supposedly it can sense the hormones in your urine and thats how it tells you what you're having. It came in the mail while I was in Houston, and I took it this weekend when I got home. It turned pink... so according to the test we're having a girl!

You can barely see the pink in the window now because it faded between when I took the test and when I took the picture a few days later. But this was it! 

Haha, I'm not taking it too seriously! Like one lady who reviewed the product on Amazon.com was pissed because she had so much faith in the test, went out and starting buying all this girl stuff, and then found out later from ultrasound that she was having a boy. I'll wait and see what the ultrasound says!

For a while I've been saying I'd be happy with either but I really want a boy... I take it back now. I want both! I know I will have so much fun either way. And dressing up baby girls can be so much fun I bet, with all the cute pink frilly things. So I will be thrilled no matter what! It's my first baby, who cares what it is! But until I know what you are baby, I'm calling you Little Bubba.

One of the best things that happened while I was home was I got to hear Little Bubba's heartbeat! Because mom is a midwife she has the equipment at home and we could listen whenever we wanted. We tried the day I got there for the first time. Little Bubba was only 10 weeks then, so the heartbeat wasn't as easy to find, or as loud. But we got it really good a few times. We even skyped Noel in so he could be there to hear it too! Dad and my brother Evan and his fiance Jenny also listened in! The pictures below are from that night, courtesy of the wonderful Jenny.

With my mom and wonderful midwife... Happy to hear you, baby!
You are so small, but already have so many people that love you!

See Noel on the computer!

We went back to listen a week later and then again the night before I left, each time being louder and easier to find. The sweetest little sound I ever heard! I am really wowed by the fact I am nearly in my 2nd trimester! These first 3 months have flown by, and I'm guessing the next 3 will too, especially with our move to DC and everything that will be going on with that.

It's all so exciting! It's all starting to sink in a little more and be a little less scary. In my 1st trimester I was scared about everything, every little ache and pain, and worrying about things I had done before I knew I was pregnant. I was looking things up on the internet all the time, and was asking mom a million questions. One time I asked her if she thought I was having a pulmonary embolism because I had been really short of breath and looked online and saw some women talking about having that. Haha, I am more relaxed now, maybe also because I'm feeling better or jut getting used to things. I still come up with tons of questions every week, but they aren't so much the fearful kind.

So we're steadily moving forward! And Bubba now has a first belonging...a beautiful homemade quilt gifted by my mom, that was made by one of her sweet clients. I love it! I love that I have something tangible now that will belong to baby when he/she gets here! It makes it all that more real and fun! I can't wait to get to DC and get more baby stuff! :)

10 weeks and some days, at Mom & Dad's in Houston

13 weeks 2 days, back at our house in El Salvador

Paz y Amor.