My how things have changed since my last blog. I had a great trip home to Texas. It was wonderful spending time with my family and friends and having a blessingway. It was such a blessing that I was able to go. We found out some new things about Ben while I was there that have completely changed our birth plans. All because my mom felt my belly and thought something felt a little off so she suggested we go to her superstar ultrasonographer just to be sure everything was ok.
This blog has been hard for me to write because there's so much that has happened, and includes stuff I had much disappointment and fear over. But I'm cranking it out anyway. If it's not my best writing or exactly how I want it to be- whatever!- it is all part of Ben's story, and I'm not leaving any holes.
So this entry is in parts. The first part I wrote while I was in Texas the day after I found out about our baby's situation. So it sounds extra emotional, maybe even a little dramatic. I've calmed down since then, but I've chosen to share it because it's all part of the journey.
I'll just go ahead and say now that, above all, we are so grateful that Ben looks like a very healthy normal baby. It's a wonderful thing that we were able to find out this information so that we can make sure he arrives safely.
Part One: Dec 8, 2012
Yesterday we had an ultrasound. I got to see his sweet face in 3D and he looks so much like his daddy! The sonographer even said he has a big head and big muscular thighs... Just like daddy! -who was a very cute baby! :) It was so wonderful to see him. In the ultrasound the lady said he had nuchal chord twice. I asked, "Does that mean he is tangled in his cord?" All they told me at the time was yes. They didn't make a big deal about it and my mom and I were too busy oohing and awww-ing over his sweet face that I didn't think much more about it until later. Just look at him! He is so cute I can hardly stand it!
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| He looks like he is smiling right!? That's his cute little foot and his hand in his face. |
It was confirmed what I already suspected... He is breech. I was pretty sure he was because for the last few weeks I have felt all the strong kicks down really low. None of this worried me too much while we were in the ultrasound. I knew he was breech myself before just because I get all my his hard kicks down really low. I figured it was ok for him to be breech at 30 weeks and that he still had plenty of time to turn. I was too busy falling in love with his sweet face to worry about anything. We could even see him smiling!! My sweet little boy, I love you so much already.
On the way home with Mom I started thinking about and asking about what the sonographer said and what that means. Mom said she was going to wait until later to talk about it because she didn't want to upset me. But since I was asking- Nuchal cord means the cord is wrapped around his neck. It's not really that big of a deal usually, but because he's got it wrapped around twice that may make it too difficult for him to turn head down. So bottom line is- he still has time to turn, it just may be harder for him. He may turn head down but still have his chord double wrapped. And I'm told it's highly unlikely he will get the cord off his neck. It's not impossible, but pretty unlikely. And if he's head down but still has the chord around his neck twice, mom thinks its still not a good idea for me to stick with the home birth. :( So at this point I am hoping he will turn down so I can at least have a natural birth in the hospital. Otherwise I will have to have a CSection, which I am mentally preparing for as well.
When first getting this information and putting it all together I was feeling pretty devastated. I just felt like I could not stop crying. My dream of having a natural home birth is being severely threatened. And it came as such a shock to have to do this mind switch from visualizing my home birth for the last 7 months (and my whole life, really) to now preparing myself for a very different hospital birth and possibly a c section. It is all very scary to me.
I felt safe and comfortable with my plans for birthing at home. I was deeply excited about it. But now I can no longer feel safe with that decision. And I don't yet feel completely comfortable with the hospital birth, but I certainly prefer it if it means Ben will get here safely. I want my baby to get here ok more than I want my home birth.
I just never imagined this happening. That I could ever possibly be the in that small percentage of women that's not a good candidate for a home birth. I wanted to get all of the rewards of labor. I wanted to work and sweat and dangle in my husbands arms in my living room. I wanted to watch him emerge, and for my husband or my mom to catch my baby. I wanted Ben to enter this world in the natural way and for us to get the rewards of doing it together. I wanted to feel it all. I am so scared of how it will feel for us both for him to be born by cesarean. Part of my disappointment is I am afraid of missing out on something. Of us both missing out on the feelings you get or hormonal releases or just all the things I have been taught my whole life about why natural childbirth is so much better. I feel like I am mourning the loss of my natural home birth that I had looked forward to my whole life.
I have to work through this sadness and accept that it is out of my hands. It's up to Ben. He may still turn. And if he doesn't, it will be ok. He won't turn if he knows its not good for him. And such is life right. This feels like my first lesson in parenting. As a parent I have to do whatever is best for my baby- even if it's not what I planned or envisioned.
It's good I found out about this so early because I have time to get used to my new plan. I am accepting it more and more as I consider it and the reasons for it being like this. Yes I'm disappointed that it probably won't be the way I had hoped for, but its out of my control. Like my Aunt Sheri told me "keep your eye on the prize" and that's what I will do. I won't focus on the fear and disappointment, I will focus on my baby and how wonderful it will be to have him here in my arms. Once we have him, it won't even matter how we got him we will just be so happy he is here. In the meantime, I ask for your prayers that he can figure out how to get himself where he needs to be so be can have a normal natural birth. It's not totally ruled out yet!
The Blessingway
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| "Ben-venido Baby" on the delicious cake compliments of my soon to be sister-in-law, Jenny. The clever word "Ben-venido" was all my brother Evan's idea. I love it! |
It was great to have a Blessingway. For those of you who don't know-
"Blessingway ceremonies create a sacred and safe environment where a mother-to-be can explore the challenges and joys that lie before her as she approaches birthing and mothering. Surrounded by the most important women in her life, she gains a sense of power, confidence, and support that will help her rise to motherhood. Birth is a key life passage for women. But modern culture has become preoccupied with the arrival of the baby-to-be and has lost touch with birth's profound impact on the expectant mother. While our most common birth preparations focus on getting women physically ready to give birth, the blessingway ceremony helps a woman to prepare mentally, emotionally, and spiritually for the work of birthing, and it opens her to her instinctive abilities, which will guide her as she steps into the role of mother."
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| The circle we sat in |
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| 30 weeks |
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| My beautiful henna belly. Many thanks to the artist, Alli! |
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| With Jenny, Granny, Mom, and Mama |
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| All of the beautiful beads I received for my necklace |
The Thursday after I got back from Texas, Noel and I had an appointment with a Doctor. We brought him the ultrasound report to get his opinion on it. Upon meeting him we instantly felt like we could trust him. A very friendly and kind Cameroonian man, Dr. Tchabo, with an accent so heavy I frequently have to ask him to repeat himself. He has decades of experience and really makes you feel like you matter when you are in his office.
Anyway, he looked at the report and liked everything he saw- but when it came to the breech/nuchal chord matter he said he was 100% sure the baby would not turn and that I would need a c-section at 38 weeks. He was basically saying what my mom, who also has decades of experience, said... just much more firmly and bluntly. So that was it. That was enough for us to officially leave the midwives for him.
With the midwives we were at the point where we didn't feel like we could trust them anymore. When I talked to one of them about the baby's situation she was very nonchalant about it. First, she gave me terrible advice- telling me to try to do the tilting exercises to flip my baby, that the nuchal chord didn't matter. I talked to 2 experienced midwives and Dr. Tchabo about this who all said to leave the baby alone in this case. That it could be dangerous to try to force him to turn around. He needs to do it on his own. This midwife also said to me that nuchal chord isn't a big deal- that 50% of babies have it. I knew she was wrong when she said it. I had learned from my mom, another midwife and my own research it was 25% that have it. And that's just single- a double is less common. So I felt like I could not trust being in their care for sure anymore after this conversation. They also weren't doing things at my checkups that are standard procedure in prenatal care.
I'm lucky I went home and saw my mom- otherwise these midwives maybe would have sent me back to the inexperienced ultrasonographer I had a horrible experience with when I went to find out the sex. They maybe wouldn't have caught the nuchal chord. Maybe they would have had me trying to do things to flip my baby that would have been dangerous. And well... none of this really matters now, because luckily I was able to go to Texas and find this stuff out and now I am in the hands of a real professional that I can feel confident and safe with. And it's not like this Doctor would push me to have a c-section just for his convenience, like many do. Dr. Tchabo has a reputation for supporting women's decision to have a natural birth. We are in really good hands now. And if by some miracle Ben does flip I know this doctor will support me in doing a natural birth in the hospital. Ben has until the last minute to flip too. We will check on his position the day we go in for the c-section, just to confirm it's what we have to do.
So we are planning to schedule the c-section for Feb. 1st. I felt really disappointed about it at first- when he made it sound so definite that this is what would happen. I cried in his office, and even more on Noel's shoulder when we got to the parking lot. I was sad to see my home birth plans were squashed and frightened of what the c-section would be like.
I'm in a good place with it now though- feeling better, and more excited about it, every day. Talking with some women who have been through it has really helped. They have helped me see that it's not going to take away from my joy. It's about the big picture. One friend of my mom's told me that birth is like a wedding. You want your wedding day to be perfect and beautiful, but what it's really about is the marriage. That is just a really nice way to think of it. It makes so much sense. In the end, it's all about my son and being his parent. It doesn't matter if his birth was perfect or exactly the way I had wished. I am grateful that I was given this son at all. There are many women who want babies so badly but can't have them. They would not even for a second whine about having to have a c-section if it meant they were going to have a baby. I am so blessed.
In a previous blog I wrote about how my only plan for my home birth was to go with the flow. Well that should still apply now, maybe even more, that I'm having my hospital birth. And I have found many positives about this whole thing....
1. I get to know exactly when Ben is going to be born.
2. I won't have to worry about my water breaking in a restaurant or on someones shoes somewhere.
3. I get to go to bed one night and wake up the next day and say "All right, let's go have our baby!"
4. I know he will be born safely.
5. I get to revel in the joy of becoming a mother without the hours of labor pains and pushing.
6. We don't have to worry about what to do with Lina during the birth.
7. My parents know exactly when to fly up here.
8. I get to have him 2 weeks early. Otherwise I may have had to wait until 40-42 weeks or pregnancy. That's 2 weeks sooner I get to see him and hold him and kiss him. And that's also 2 weeks less of gaining weight!
9. Excuse me for being blunt... My vagina doesn't have to get all stretched out or ripped open!
So yea, there's a lot of great things about this. And now I can't wait for February 1st! That's less than 7 weeks away!
Other news
I went to a wedding reception for one of Noel's good friends on Friday night. My friend Lisa and I got on the empty dance floor to shake it to a song that reminded us of our clubbing days at Multiplaza in San Salvador. I could see myself dancing in the mirror and I felt like I looked so ridiculous I could not stop laughing hysterically. Lisa could not stop saying, "Don't pee, don't fall!" What a great pregnancy moment. I'm glad I had my chance to rock my belly on the dance floor. Thanks for joining me Lisa!
I was so tired this weekend. Just lots of napping and laying around. I didn't have the energy to do much else. I did manage to get to the movies to see Life of Pi on Sunday. Awesome movie! I recommend it!
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| Mr. TJ's new favorite hangout: the bathroom sink |
We have a shoe lace monster in our house, and his name is Mr. Thomas Jefferson. He has a thing for the shoe laces on Noel's dress shoes. He eats them all. Perhaps that is why he was vomiting this morning? I don't know. But I had to go out and buy Noel two new pairs of extra shoe laces this weekend because of this naughty boy cat. Good thing he is so cute and sweet and cuddly!
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| Evan modeling my new Moby wrap carrier with baby Eeyore |
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| Mailing her letter to Santa Claus |
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| 31 weeks, 2 days |
Thanks for reading y'all!
Countdown to baby Ben: 45 days!
Paz y Amor.
That's a cute 3D photo! I'm glad it sounds like you're doing alright adjusting to the new plan - let me know when you want to go out for coffee!
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